deciding to not decide

i dont know to ring you all not, i just returned from the south, from cornwall. i read your blogs i dont not read them , i do but i think to comment or to ring you is to make it worst. i think you just need the days to pass so you can think less often and kindly of me. i wish i could make it better, pretty pointless thing to say i know. infact me talking here is probably pointless because you wont read and it and really if you did what do i expect you to think.
i just i think you need to know i was sincere i mean i wasnt leading you on being a false friend.
im not just saying it either so you wont think badly of me, i mean you should because i was an awful friend an awful girlfriend only not on purpose if that makes it any better.
i always wondered how you knew when to stop talking on your blog, when youd said your piece whento stop with the words. i seem to have endless words only not the wonderful skill of stringing them together, curious. part of me thinks to stop writing for a while maybe a good thing, to not have to think of anything, but then what if it all stays inside and mounts up to some enormous well mountain of anxious confused poison, says she chief of giving advice! i know i know now is probably the time to pause for breath and stop with the drama
we do listento the same song, i am out here nad you are there listening to the same song, sorry im like a record same old same old.

toodle oooodle amma
toodle oooodle amma
toodle aye eh
any umbrellas
any umbrellas
to mend today
bring you parasol
it maybe small, it maybe big
he will mend them all
with what you call
a thingamagig

pitter pitter patter
pitter pitter patter
it sounds like rain
let it pitter patter
let it pitter patter
dont mind the rain
hell mend your umbrella
and go on his way
singing
toodle oooodle amma toodle eh
toodle oooodle amma toodle eh
any umbrellas to mend today
hell mend a clock
hell mend a sock
hell mend anything
but hed rather sing
toodle oooodle amma toodle eh
toodle oooodle amma toodle eh
any umbrellas to mend today

its sunday

which would mean we watched the same film on saturday, what are the chances...2 people a zillion miles apart yet still possibly in each others thoughts watching the same thing, and both confused at the ending inless i fondly smile ...inless
hehe well i watched that final jason bourne film, my goodness was it exciting...and matt damon whod have thought him attractive, yet in his sort of james bond role, wow. i didnt even have time to be distracted by the other people, i never left the screen , extraordinary eh!
well rid of one almightly burden for anotehr week only to have a real relative descent upon our merry peace, well 'how much i hate your car' spent the week so goodness knows how many hours of my life i shall lose to dear auntie and co. the house is finally sparkling though, grandma i wish i called her grannie now it sounds twee-er would be proud! why oh why does auntie want to move into it and spoil its prettiness with her labrador.its too stocky, why didnt they get a greyhound. i was thinking today motorways (aside from why the highway code is so called if we dont have highways) should have more flowers. They should be more than ugly tarmac with weeds sprouting through, i was thinking pansies. i am rather attatched to pansies, like irises they look cute without trying. not like grass i cant stand grass, great fat storks of it growing endlessly, grass should be thin. today i was chased down the motorway by a bus.
in the paper there were stories of kids who got 7 a grade alevels, kids whose first language isnt even english; mum joked what the point of my 2 bs were to that. but then i guess you do what you can . i didnt even do 3 like the rest of the country, but then i did what i could.
its morning again, a new monday, everyday closer to my course. i was rather dreading but i think im looking forward to it, how hard can make up be, its curious i always want to write maycup. i never talk anything but nonsense, but then as algy put it, no one ever does!

back to school, no longer

well the results are in and after lotsa fretting i have 2bs, not an education entirely wasted.
lordy! next stop beauty sch

oh badly drawn boy you tell it so well...
so another day of cleaning and making life a little tidier. they should really invent paint that dries different colours so you can see where you've put it and paintbrushes with padded handles so your hands don't get sore holding them. ooo they could come in different colours like ipod socks, how twee that would be. ill bet they bring out something silly like an ipod 'phone. fish is showing a definite lack of interest in my money making schemes. fish likes his reflection.
i'm cold tonight, in the wide world but calm and still as day follows night tomorrow is a new day, another new day.
its strange being in a house i havent been in for so long, i have been in it twice, once to sort her things, i play the piano to her. i drove past enisdale today, it had no curtains, the window frames were raw and pulling away. she lived in that house for about 60 years and now its alone. i know the roads so well but today it all seemed so ordinary, just another street of semis
cheshire cat car is still here, he appears to have taken root judging by the garlic and salt content of tea. i wonder why to have the grass cut is to be done.
still results on thursday so theres still joy left in the world.

i just wrote a not very good reply to your what the f... see i think us just went to fast, we spoke like everynight i know but its not the same as being together and because we werent together next to each other a lot of what i thought would change by the time i spoke to you. Us didn’t really exist in the everyday world.
and what was casual became so serious. ive never been in a proper relationship and forever although a nice word and a carefree concept is in actual fact terrifying. I mean with anyone. Even 5 years or whatever. I cant do anything, im not an anything and you see you are a something, youre all worked out.
We’re worlds apart , how would us work? In different countries, different ages different ambitions different wants.
I don’t want to keep you in this limbo keeping torturing you with my writing but by your wtf… I don’t know perhaps it was indignation, perhaps hate
no more i promise

footloose, what music

i've just finished watching that particular classic, and how i love dancing. and who'd have thought kevin bacon & chris penn, rather fine, and sjp my lordy since when! hi ho how it made me laugh, i think i'd have liked to be a kid of their era, 80s? gosh those were the days.
so the rest of my day was largely spent at an air field type field watching wee planes take off and land and utterly insane luminously clad randomers parachute about the sky. we arrived at 1.30 and by 7.30, having lost most feeling to the extreme cold and lack of food/water adn surroundings, after much deliberation she jumped out of a plane, flittered about a few minutes adn it was all over.
as the hours wore on how village green we really did become, eye spy, word association, catch and then volleyball by which time i was hysterically laughing, though curiously enough i cant quite remember why. i guess i hadnt laughed in a loooong while. its hard to laugh when your heart is breaking.

friday 10 august 2007

well of all the ridiculous things i do; yesterday and today were spent mowing the grass in my scantiest outfit sans suncream in a desparate attempt to prove i actually go outside. Result..absolutely nothing save bruises i somehow get. preening my grandmas garden with no thought for the sun and what happens? i end up with my back so burnt i now have a food baby stomach, further more to my self orientated rant, children shouldnt pose for magazines, it is wrong. adam sandler should be branded as the worlds most awful actor, really that film click i mean really, and it was all a dream, omg man think up something a little bit original. i have come to the conclusion i don't like my elbows.

day of busyness

so ends the worlds longest day, and a most productive one at that, though the highlight of highlights was my 'commute' ooo what a delightful thing it is to be awake early and have somewhere to go, even if it is to preen my grandmas garden. Though the battlescars of the sewing machine trying to eat my finger yesterday were still fresh; my poor fingernail, will it ever be the same again!
so after my hard days sloging at the weeds and windows, discovered mowing by numbers is infintely superior, i was out to tea avec mon pere at this constantely changing cafe which recommended itself delightfully with a me sized parking space just outside. one day i shall go to greece and see if they really eat that much feta cheese. one maranated pork later, having lost my way utterly in chester, which im ashamed to say i am from, how can i still get lost there?!wonders will never cease,. i think i broke my back today, its definitely less bendy than it was yesterday im sure, hmm will ponder

back again

and yes i do talk a lot, i am almost entirely talk, talk and pretty clothes. i dont think, i am mostly ruled by the little voices of should...i think this girl is still waiting for the want. perhaps ill all unravel and theyll alllll go away. hmmm, that personality quiz you asked me to complete, it asked where you were more inclined to be; in my heart my imagination but i exist in reality. i have to look after me, though i could have looked better after you, not just paniced and shutdown.
its good youve found a friend you can talk to, truly and truly...