so much for spring!

indeedy as a blizzard rages outside my window! have just been frolicing about in the snow and i think its starting to stick. my my my daffodillies will be confused. tis quite mesmorising to watch. well since i smashed a rather sizeable picture against an really short chair anything distracting is a blessing. i think ill curl up on my windowsill, feet on the radiator and learn psych. good plan

contemplating tea

i cant quite decide what sort of a mood im in today. a lot like i cant quite decide what to do. though rice pudding should be made with pudding rice. it is not just a cunning ploy to make you buy two types of rice.

calories, ooo thousands

i have so much to do
i can do nothing
save be miserable and grow
fat
mood has officially reached all time low
weather still continues charming

to just keep swimming

i was so excited about ryan air, about flying free for a wee bit, but no . as disappointment would have it i'm grounded and upsetting the world. oh to be back on top! i dont think exams test your intelligence and i dont particularly understand why i find them so difficult. i think you should be made to answer questions on general knowledge and asked to rewire plugs, change hoover bags, hang curtains, boil an egg. useful type things. it was going to be at the end of march. to welcome chocolate back into my life with my lovely. 3 months on that and im free forever. gosh like a prison sentence. i am condemned to the end of june; 31/2 months mentally hard labour at a desk. it could be a lot worse i know, but have made another shocking discovery. that i cannot punctuate. i mean not this i havent been trying but my work in general. so much to complain for. so much my very own doing; tis lovely to blame others but its only me to credit this time.
i cannot apologise any more for i've hit rock bottom.

well i must be getting on for 2 weeks

oh lord its never ending
i am so indecisive at present, verging on obese. have so much homework and revision to do that i cannot do any. i just don't know what to do. i dont think ill leave sch because im so close even if i do fail. i dont think ill cease tonight because its cold out and im not sure i wouldnt change my mind then just become hyperthermic with the wet and cold and survive but in a worsened state of hellishness. i had a bit of a scary day really. I was obsessed in the night and walking today. At the cinema last night there was hateful boxing i felt ill to watch. well hear, i turned away and screamed til it went away. im so argumentative today. so unsatisfied with the world, well im happy enough in that its just the people im surrounded by. these geese. see the pressure is if i dont do well on my alevels then i wont get to uni and so have to get a job and remain at home. i dont think i can bare to be here. i feel queezy at the thought. But then would anywhere else be better. Somewhere new doesnt have memories. i dont like my little toes either. i seem to want to hurt tonight, to hurt until i cry. im pretty exhausted from tears, they took up today.
I often go crazy at night. ill have a good friday, went to the cinema and out to tea with friends, t'was loverly. perhaps if i talk itll be sort of removed, down on paper i wont have to think it, after all noone reads this anymore. which is a comfort in a way, in that i can feel how i choose but then its the direct route to my thoughts, and to write them once is painful enough.
There are so many people, so many. i dont really feel alive. i exist but do not live. i shall never have these days again and i pass them unhappily. by monday the world will be back, for ill have to think of other things. i dont know what to do. i slept this afternoon to save being horrid, so am not really sleepy. *sigh* i feel i dont really have control. im becoming smaller and my avenues of promise cul de sacs. i wonder if this is chocolate related? i should laugh if it is. ive kept lent so far, i intent to continue but i wonder. perhaps im just a naturally miserable person. but i know im not. insecure about so so much, though i do love my right wrist. i do wonder if illl just get run over tomorrow. in a way what a waste, but then what sweet relief to be free, to have the thoughts end, oh for the quiet life, for peace. if i do happen to be run over tomorrow then do know im not really miserable. do know i love people. just at present not!

view from an empty icecream box

i feel somewhere between ill and over indulgence. most definitely size elephant; as weight increases mood deteriorates oh stuff eloquence if this can be called such my love doesnt love me, i seem to remember normality being, well it was suspended. i'm feeling a lot of sad, i need to cry and be hugged. i am tired and small and mixed up. i should like someone else to be the happy one, for i'm out of smiles tonight