well i must be getting on for 2 weeks

oh lord its never ending
i am so indecisive at present, verging on obese. have so much homework and revision to do that i cannot do any. i just don't know what to do. i dont think ill leave sch because im so close even if i do fail. i dont think ill cease tonight because its cold out and im not sure i wouldnt change my mind then just become hyperthermic with the wet and cold and survive but in a worsened state of hellishness. i had a bit of a scary day really. I was obsessed in the night and walking today. At the cinema last night there was hateful boxing i felt ill to watch. well hear, i turned away and screamed til it went away. im so argumentative today. so unsatisfied with the world, well im happy enough in that its just the people im surrounded by. these geese. see the pressure is if i dont do well on my alevels then i wont get to uni and so have to get a job and remain at home. i dont think i can bare to be here. i feel queezy at the thought. But then would anywhere else be better. Somewhere new doesnt have memories. i dont like my little toes either. i seem to want to hurt tonight, to hurt until i cry. im pretty exhausted from tears, they took up today.
I often go crazy at night. ill have a good friday, went to the cinema and out to tea with friends, t'was loverly. perhaps if i talk itll be sort of removed, down on paper i wont have to think it, after all noone reads this anymore. which is a comfort in a way, in that i can feel how i choose but then its the direct route to my thoughts, and to write them once is painful enough.
There are so many people, so many. i dont really feel alive. i exist but do not live. i shall never have these days again and i pass them unhappily. by monday the world will be back, for ill have to think of other things. i dont know what to do. i slept this afternoon to save being horrid, so am not really sleepy. *sigh* i feel i dont really have control. im becoming smaller and my avenues of promise cul de sacs. i wonder if this is chocolate related? i should laugh if it is. ive kept lent so far, i intent to continue but i wonder. perhaps im just a naturally miserable person. but i know im not. insecure about so so much, though i do love my right wrist. i do wonder if illl just get run over tomorrow. in a way what a waste, but then what sweet relief to be free, to have the thoughts end, oh for the quiet life, for peace. if i do happen to be run over tomorrow then do know im not really miserable. do know i love people. just at present not!